as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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