Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
