Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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