I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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