does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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