i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize