How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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