I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Houston, we have a squirter
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
