ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
