Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
