I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
