just tell him i said nine months
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize