pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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