I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
