My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
