1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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