just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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