I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
