So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
