I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
