Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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