Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
