I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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