no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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