rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
