Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
