I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My dick has a subreddit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
