I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
