Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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