Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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