They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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