You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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