Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
