I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
