I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
