Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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