i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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