Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
