he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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