it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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