I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
