I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
only you would photoshop your dick
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I want a musical about memes.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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