in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
