Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
