The maid of honor just puked.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They took my balls.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
