I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
