Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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