drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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