Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize