some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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