I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
