Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
