i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize