Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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