I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize