I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
