mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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