when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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