I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
