He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
