I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
