Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
why do cheetos always look like penises
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
