Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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