tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
